IIke me, you probably hated Avengers: Endgame because it contained many components that you oppose ideologically. Like women, for example. And homosexuality. And feelings. And women. God, women, yes.
So I'm relieved to report that someone has fixed Avengers: Endgame forever. An anonymous user of the Internet has re-edited Endgame and posted it on torrent sites with the new – and, if possible – captivating title – Avengers Endgame De-Feminized Edit AKA Anti-Cheese-Cut.
The new movie itself is very hard to find, but fortunately the user has detailed most of the major changes in a note. The main news is that it is "End of the game, but shorter, no feminism, no gay shit, less boring, less sniffing their own farts, no constant jokes and other small changes."
Going a little, the user goes on to claim that the edition contains "absolutely no Brie Larson" and "less kitchen psychology". The Hawkeye scene training her daughter was removed because "young women should learn skills to become good wives and mothers." Tony Stark no longer calls for "his wife's permission to save the universe". There are far fewer women in the final battle, since "they should be at home taking care of their children." And more importantly, the Ancient Elder – Supreme Sorcerer, leader of the Masters of the Mystic Arts, the invincible protector of the Earth for centuries – now only surrenders the stone of time because she "is afraid of the Hulk" and the fact that she has failed . to do this immediately in the original was "a giant hole". Oh, and Black Panther is not in it for some reason. Not sure why, really.
I can not speak for anyone else, but I'm glad that user has bothered to improve Endgame like that. He (or she, I am not sexist) saw how white and straight men are deprived in society, and filled the void by giving us exactly what we want to watch; a burden of other heterosexual white men grossly rejecting anything that is not in accordance with our frail and terrified worldviews. His (or her, but probably his) editing turned Avengers: Endgame into the movie we always wanted it to be. This movie, thank God, is The Expendables 3.
Better yet, it seems like this can be part of a trend. Last year, a different user gave us The Last Jedi: A-De-Feminized Fanedit (AKA The Chauvinist Cut), a 46-minute prank in which Leia never "berates, questions, or downplays Poe," Kylo Ren is generally "fucker" Rose Tico (referred to here as "Asian girl") does not have so many lines and "is never formally introduced," and Captain Phasma is killed much more quickly because "women are naturally weaker than men."
This is absolutely how we should be watching movies now. The problem with Hollywood movies is that they are all made by experts and we live in post-specialist times. Why can not we just cut out all the parts of a movie we do not like? After all, this is exactly how Donald Trump chooses to watch movies. If he manages to cut Bloodsport's fat – a movie that's basically a long, uninterrupted grunt – then we should be able to do the same with any movie stupid enough to contain any female character other than simply two-dimensional submissive. sexbots.
The question now is which movie will be outlined next. My hope is that it is Captain Marvel, a film that became unattainable by his insistence on a) having a female protagonist, b) refusing to include any leadership plans by sucking his fingers only in his bra and c) letting the leadership fight people instead of just cleaning her house because she knew her husband would be angry if he got home and just found her sitting and getting fat. Maybe some internet hero is working on it as we speak. Maybe we'll soon be treated to your 15-minute version of Captain Marvel, where Jude Law and Samuel L Jackson just stare into each other's eyes before they start kissing. Combat! I meant fighting. Nothing to see here. Anyway, great chat. See you in the straight march of pride.