Friday , October 22 2021

ASK AMY: Discerning boyfriend is not Mr. Darcy


Dear Amy: My boyfriend is extremely insightful and I am not. When he cooks something, it's after watching 50 videos on YouTube and reading the dish's history so he knows the story of every aspect.

I like to cook, but I'm still simple. Everything Boyfriend does has to be the best, the most extravagant, the most gourmet, and although he has never said anything insulting (it is purely in his behavior), I can feel him despising the simplest way of doing things .

That happens with everything. When we watch a movie, I do not analyze it as much as it does. When we drink coffee, I can not taste the difference in acidity as well as it.

I'm basically fine with things that are … mediocre.

I love this man very much, but I constantly feel out of my reach. Sometimes I can let go and just learn from him because he knows a lot, but most of the time it makes me feel inadequate. It seems he is never admiring or learning from me. It has reached the point where I do not want to share things with him because he overcomes everything.

I'll cook alone when he's not here. I'll listen to my pop music repetitive (yes, I know!) When I'm driving alone.

The members of your family are not bad and intentionally condescending, and I often feel "enlightened" by better techniques, and I always feel scorned and unnecessary.

What can I do to make the relationship more balanced? Am I just out of my reach?

– Middlin & # 39;

Dear Middlin: If your guy was just an obsessive cook, I suggest you relax and enjoy your experience. But, according to you, your demand for "excellence" applies to all things.

In some ways, I'm sorry for the guy. He will never know the delicious delight of a hot dog, covered with sauerkraut and bright yellow mustard. He will never "catch" the rapturous thumping steering wheel of a great Katy Perry hook.

He is missing out on many miracles that even mocks you as "mediocre." Stop bowing to your level. There is beauty in everyday life. It is exhausting to have to be educated about everything.

The key phrase in your question is, "It's gotten to the point where I do not want to share things with him because he overcomes everything."

This is not an intermediate problem. This is a big problem. Many very successful couples have very different tastes. But until you stop seeing your taste as "wrong," I do not see much long-term hope for that relationship.

Ask him to reflect on his own behavior. Can he laugh at his own obsession? Can your Mr. Darcy really learn to love you exactly as you are?

You should find out.

Dear Amy: My wife had an affair with a man who started two years after we got married and continued (on and off) for the next 20 years (that's when I discovered this).

She said she would not see him again, and she did not see him.

I just found out they have regular phone conversations. Sometimes they only speak once a year on their birthday, sometimes more often.

She says there is nothing wrong since they are now just friends.

I say that a continued relationship with this man is simply wrong.

What do you think?

– Troubled

Dear: I agree. I suppose – compared to 20 years of infidelity – you "assume" to feel that an annual phone call is not so noticeable, and yet you find it painful – and at this point your feelings should carry more weight than hers.

The classic and best take on this is the book, "No" Just Friends ": Rebuilding Trust and Regaining Your Sanity After Infidelity," by researcher and therapist Shirley P Glass, with Jean Coppock Staeheli (2004, Atria Books) .

This would provide valuable information about your feelings. Share it with your spouse.

Dear Amy: In your written response to "Wondering Grand," you said, "If you sent the check with a note addressed to HE and your wife …" To HE?

I see and hear the misuse of objective pronouns ("Bob and I") every day, but I sincerely expected better from someone as articulate as you.

– Upset!

Dear Upset! I'm a bit flattered by your shock at my mistake. I just wish my error had been detected before posting.

Many, many readers have noticed this and have written kindly (or not so gently) correct me. Thank you all!

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